Forgiveness Isn't About Excusing the Hurt—It’s About Freeing Your Heart From Its Grip
Forgiveness is one of those words that carries a weight much greater than its letters. We hear it in sermons, see it in books, and come across it in conversations with friends. Yet, for many, forgiveness is a concept that remains difficult to grasp, even more challenging to practice. Perhaps the difficulty lies in a common misunderstanding: the belief that forgiveness means excusing the hurt done to us. This article takes a different approach, suggesting that forgiveness is less about excusing someone else and more about freeing ourselves from the burden of holding onto that pain.
Forgiveness, in its essence, is a journey. It is not a singular act but a process that often begins by acknowledging our wounds. It is the conscious choice to no longer allow the past to dictate our present emotions or future decisions. We do this, not by erasing the past, but by allowing our hearts to be released from its heavy grasp. The process of forgiveness is often slow, sometimes painful, but ultimately liberating. It’s about giving ourselves permission to heal, to move forward, and to embrace the future with open hearts.
The Misconception About Excusing the Hurt
Forgiveness is often mistaken for something akin to excusing bad behavior. There’s a lingering belief that to forgive means to pretend that nothing happened, to act as though the wrong inflicted upon us did not matter. This misconception can make the very idea of forgiveness seem unreasonable, even unjust. After all, how can we possibly excuse the actions that have caused real pain—pain that, in many cases, shapes who we are today?
But what if forgiveness is not about excusing anything? What if it is, instead, a radical act of self-love and freedom? To forgive does not mean to minimize or overlook the wrong that was done. It does not require us to dismiss our own suffering or ignore our own boundaries. Forgiveness acknowledges the harm; it looks directly at the hurt and recognizes its weight. Yet, it chooses to put down that burden, to no longer carry it forward. This choice is an act of strength, a commitment to our own well-being, and a declaration that our lives are worth more than the pain inflicted upon us.
Excusing someone implies that their actions were acceptable, or at the very least, understandable. Forgiveness, however, does not require such justification. Instead, it requires a different kind of strength—the kind that allows us to say, "This happened, it hurt, and I will no longer let it control my life." By redefining forgiveness in this way, we move away from the pressure of excusing and toward a space of emotional liberation. This liberation is not just about letting go of the hurt but also about reclaiming our power and our ability to shape our own narratives.
Forgiveness also means setting healthy boundaries. It means understanding that while we can choose to forgive, we do not have to continue to allow harmful behavior into our lives. Forgiveness and boundaries are not mutually exclusive; in fact, they often go hand in hand. By forgiving, we free ourselves, and by setting boundaries, we protect that freedom. This balance is crucial, as it allows us to maintain our dignity and self-respect while also extending grace to others.
The Emotional Grip of Unforgiveness
Unforgiveness has a way of seeping into every corner of our lives. It clings to us, quietly shaping how we view the world and how we interact with those around us. It builds walls between us and others, and sometimes even between us and God. The longer we hold onto it, the heavier it becomes—so much so that we may forget what life felt like without its presence.
Imagine carrying a heavy stone with you everywhere you go. At first, you’re acutely aware of its weight. You feel it every moment. You notice how it makes every movement harder, how it drains your energy, how it limits what you can do. But over time, you might grow used to it. You might forget how light you once felt without it. That is what unforgiveness does to our hearts. We grow accustomed to the heaviness, sometimes not even realizing the extent to which it affects us.
The emotional grip of unforgiveness often reveals itself in unexpected ways. It may manifest as irritability, anxiety, or even physical symptoms like fatigue and tension. More profoundly, it can impact our ability to trust, to connect, to love freely. It’s as though we are shackled to the past, unable to fully step into the present or envision a hopeful future. Holding onto unforgiveness is like choosing to remain chained to something that no longer serves us, even when the key is right there in our hands.
The act of forgiveness is about finding the courage to use that key. It’s about unlocking the chains, not because the past didn’t matter, but because the future matters more. It is about saying, "I deserve to be free." It’s about giving ourselves permission to experience joy again, to reconnect with others without the burden of past hurts clouding our interactions. Forgiveness is an act of hope, a belief that our future holds something better than the pain of our past.
Unforgiveness can also become a form of self-protection—a way to shield ourselves from being hurt again. We tell ourselves that if we hold onto the pain, we are keeping ourselves safe. But in reality, this protective mechanism often does more harm than good. It prevents us from being vulnerable, from opening our hearts, and from experiencing the fullness of life. The walls we build to protect ourselves can also become prisons, keeping us isolated and disconnected. Forgiveness, then, becomes an act of courage—a willingness to lower those walls and trust that we can face whatever comes next.
What Forgiveness Really Does
Forgiveness is not about the other person—at least, not entirely. It is about us. It is about reclaiming our own peace, our own joy, our own capacity to love and be loved. When we forgive, we take back the power that was lost to the person who hurt us. We refuse to let their actions define us or limit our ability to experience life fully.
One of the most beautiful things about forgiveness is that it doesn’t erase what happened. Instead, it allows us to integrate those experiences into the broader narrative of our lives in a way that doesn’t cause ongoing harm. The scars remain, but they no longer define us. Instead of being a source of constant pain, they become a testament to our resilience and strength. Our scars tell the story of what we have overcome, of the battles we have fought and won, and of the grace that has carried us through.
In the Bible, we see many examples of this kind of transformative forgiveness. In Matthew 6:14-15, Jesus says, "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." Forgiveness, in this context, is not about excusing or forgetting; it is about restoring ourselves to a place where we can be in relationship with God and others without the interference of bitterness. It is about clearing away the obstacles that prevent us from fully experiencing God’s love and extending that love to others.
Forgiveness is ultimately an invitation—an invitation to step out of the shadow of what has been done to us and into the light of who we can become. It is a way of saying, "I will not let this hurt dictate my story. I will write my own ending." It is about choosing to be the author of our own lives, rather than allowing the actions of others to hold the pen. By forgiving, we take back control of our narrative, and we open ourselves to the possibility of joy, peace, and love.
Forgiveness also allows us to break cycles of pain and hurt. When we choose to forgive, we refuse to pass on the hurt that was inflicted upon us. We create a new pattern, one that is rooted in compassion and understanding rather than anger and resentment. This is especially important in our relationships with others—whether family, friends, or even strangers. By choosing forgiveness, we become agents of change, breaking the cycle of hurt and fostering a culture of grace and empathy.
Steps to Forgiveness
Forgiveness is rarely a one-time decision. It is a process, often one that we must revisit time and again. Here are some steps that can help guide us on this journey.
Step 1: Acknowledge the Hurt
Forgiveness begins by acknowledging the hurt. This might seem obvious, but many of us skip this step, choosing instead to bury our pain or pretend it doesn’t exist. But true forgiveness cannot happen without first being honest about the impact of what has happened. Take the time to recognize your emotions—anger, sadness, betrayal. Name them, and allow yourself to feel them fully. This is not about dwelling on the hurt but about honoring your own experience. It’s about giving yourself permission to feel, to grieve, and to understand the depth of what you’ve been through.
Step 2: Lean on Faith
As Christians, we are called to forgive, but that doesn’t mean we have to do it alone. Lean on your faith. Pray for strength, for wisdom, for the ability to forgive even when it feels impossible. Seek out scriptures that speak to your situation. Allow God’s word to comfort you and guide you. Forgiveness is an act of faith, trusting that God’s plan for your life is greater than the pain you’ve experienced. It is about believing that God can bring beauty out of ashes, that He can use even our most painful experiences for good. Leaning on faith means trusting that you are not alone in this journey and that God is walking beside you every step of the way.
Step 3: Make the Choice to Forgive
Forgiveness is a choice. It’s not a feeling. There may be days when you still feel angry, hurt, or resentful. That’s okay. The decision to forgive is not about waiting for those feelings to go away. It’s about choosing, each day, to let go of the hold that those emotions have over you. It’s about saying, "I release this. I release you." It might take time—sometimes a lot of time—but each time you make that choice, you take another step toward freedom. Forgiveness is an ongoing commitment, a daily act of letting go and trusting that God will heal what is broken.
Step 4: Set Boundaries
Forgiveness does not mean allowing harmful behavior to continue. It is important to set healthy boundaries to protect yourself from being hurt again. Boundaries are not about punishment; they are about self-respect and safety. By setting boundaries, you are creating a space where you can heal, grow, and thrive without the constant threat of being hurt again. Boundaries are an essential part of the forgiveness process, as they allow you to move forward in a way that honors both your healing and your worth.
Forgiveness isn’t about excusing the hurt. It’s about freeing your heart from its grip. It’s about choosing to live a life unburdened by the pain of the past. It’s about recognizing that while we cannot control what has been done to us, we can control how we respond. By choosing forgiveness, we choose ourselves—our peace, our joy, our future.
As you consider the hurts you may be holding onto, I encourage you to take that first step. Acknowledge the pain, lean on your faith, set healthy boundaries, and make the choice to forgive. It’s not easy, and it may not happen overnight. But the freedom that comes from forgiveness is worth the journey. Your heart deserves to be free. You deserve to be free. And in that freedom, you will find the peace, joy, and love that God intends for you. Let forgiveness be the key that unlocks the door to a life lived fully, a life defined not by the hurts of the past but by the hope of the future.